faith

God Winks

Since September of 2023, I have been going through cancer treatment and dealing with all the side effects associated with treatment and having had an extensive digestive surgery. I have also researched so much about cancer and where to go for information on clinical trials. Though out this journey, many times I have felt alone. Unless you have been down this road, you cannot understand this never-ending mental and physical rollercoaster.

However, I know God has always been by my side even if sometimes I don’t feel like He is there. One of the ways I know He is with me are through “God winks”. These are things that happen during the day that cannot be explained or a coincidence. For example, a friend sends me a devotion or text with a verse that is just what I needed to hear. I get in my car to go to an appointment and a song comes on the radio as I start my car and the words are spoken from heaven inspiring strength and courage, and sometimes the struggles we all face. God is there too.

In May, I drove from Atlanta to Nashville to The Sara Cannon Cancer Institute. During my drive, there were 2 separate billboards – one said “God is good all the time” and the other said “God will never leave you or forsake you”. I also noticed numerous crosses along the way. Last week I had a CT scan. The lovely technician told me she was praying for me during the scan. Not to mention so many family and friends constantly lifting me up in prayer. God speaks to us in many ways. It can be in a song, a text, friends, family, church, His word, prayer and even our intuition which I believe is the Holy Spirit. I am never alone and neither are you. We just have to open our hearts to the peace He offers us every second.

Waiting

With Easter and Lent just ending, I have thought a lot about waiting. We wait for countless things each day. We wait for our coffee to brew first thing in the morning. We wait for traffic lights to change. We wait in line at the grocery store. We wait for telephone calls from friends and loved ones about good and sometimes difficult news. We wait at the airport, train and bus stations to take us to our destinations. We wait for that job, promotion or raise which sometimes never comes. As parents, we wait for our children to walk, talk, grow, graduate and become adults. Our children eventually wait on us when we are incapable of moving as fast as we used to. We wait at appointments and sometimes we wait for answers to situations we don’t understand. We wait for holidays and vacations to start so we can relax. We wait for the night to end and to see the sunrise in the morning. We wait for our prayers to be answered. Waiting is a huge part of our daily life.

As a cancer patient, waiting can be the hardest part of the journey. We wait for lab and scan results, and treatments. We wait for biopsies and surgeries. We wait for life to be normal again even if it is a “new normal”. We wait for a cure.

As I think on the resurrection of Jesus. I consider how Mary, Jesus’ mother, had to wait for God’s plan to come to fruition. She saw her Son die and endure a torturous death on a cross. Mary knew this was the purpose of His birth and life. Yet she did not know when she would see Him again. The disciplines also waited in fear after Christ was put to death on the cross. They ran and hid because they thought they would be killed since they were seen with Jesus before His death.

Jesus knew all about waiting. He would sacrifice His life for us one day on the cross. He waited 40 years with this hanging over His head. Even with the constant reminder of His purpose on earth, He was still kind and patient. He was selfless, forgiving and loving to everyone He encountered. Jesus would rise again on the third day and all the waiting would be over. This is our hope. Revelation 21:4 says “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Waiting teaches me to trust God with my life and future, and to be patient with myself and others. God uses us in the waiting to be the light for Him while we are here on earth. Each moment of waiting is a part of His plan.

This Life

Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September of 2023, people have asked me so many questions about my journey. Many want to know if I am angry, scared or depressed. Others ask why God would allow this to happen. There are also questions about chemotherapy and how I feel physically. These are just a few examples. Some of the questions are easy to answer and some are not. I believe some questions will only be answered when we are in heaven with Jesus. I am blessed to have so many people who care about me. I also think some people are very curious in knowing what it is like to face death and suffering.

A couple years ago I watched a movie called “Father Stu” with Mark Wahlberg. He plays a man with a troubled past but meets a devote Catholic woman. She persuades him to go to church with her. In the end, he gives his life to Christ and becomes a priest; however, during this process he is diagnosed with a life threatening disease. He questions God and is angry but God uses him as a light. I remember something Mark Wahlberg’s character said in the movie when he accepts his situation, and I actually wrote it in my journal, long before my diagnosis. The quote is “The experience of suffering is the fullest expression of God’s love. It is a chance to be closer to Christ.” I have found this to be true in my own life. Please understand there are days that are very tough and it is hard to see anything positive but I always know I have Christ walking beside me and giving me the strength to continue on this journey.

We do not know the plans God has for our lives or our future. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Each morning we open our eyes to begin a new day, we know God has a plan for us. It is not always easy or problem-free but God is always with us.

For me, most days I have come to terms with my situation. My faith, family and friends are what I hold dear. I hope I am here for many years to come but I also know this is not my forever home.

Finding Purpose Through Giving Back

Since September of 2023, my life has consisted of appointments with various doctors sometimes involving travel, medical procedures with and without anesthesia, labs for all different purposes, visits to the hospital/ER, 3 rounds of chemotherapy, radiation and the Whipple surgery which has forever changed my digestive system. I am on all sorts of medication; some I will take for the rest of my life. There are days I feel pretty good and others I need to rest. I often forget what it feels like to be a normal human being. Cancer has forever changed my life. Did I want a cancer diagnosis and put myself and my family through this? Of course not but I have certainly learned so many things during this journey that has positively affected my life.

I have met and seen so many people going through similar cancer journeys whom have not been as fortunate as myself either with their treatment or their outcome. I have also had many people reach out to me to share their own stories and/or hear mine. One way I stay connected to normal life is to give back any way I can. This provides me with a sense of purpose and shifts my focus from my struggles to gratitude. It also blesses me beyond words. Giving back does not have to be grand or time-consuming; even the smallest efforts can make a difference, both in my life and in the lives of others.

Sending a text, email or handwritten note to someone you know in need; making a phone call when you know a friend needs to talk or just provide a listening ear; sharing my story with someone else may help that person feel a connection when going through the same thing or something similar; buying coffee/tea for a stranger or giving a compliment; giving or sharing a book/devotion/song that is an inspiration or blessing in my life; spending an hour helping someone in need or volunteering at a charity close to your heart. Many of these kindnesses have been shown to me and have helped me to keep moving in the right direction. God uses other people to show His love and there is nothing more rewarding.

With Lent right around the corner, my pastor has a wonderful idea; instead of giving up something this year, why not give back something every day of Lent. I know I have so many things around my home that I haven’t used or worn in years which could really help someone else. All these things are very small acts of kindness and some don’t even involve leaving your home. Maybe a smile is all someone needs to change the outcome of their day. You don’t know what someone might be dealing with. What an easy way to take the focus off myself and be blessed in the process.

Finding God In My Cancer Journey

From the beginning of my journey with cancer, I have experienced God’s presence in the good and bad days. My best friend calls these moments “God winks”. He lets us know He is present and is with us in each step we take. A text from a friend at just the right time or hearing a song with words that touch my heart and relate to exactly how I am feeling or what I am going through. I have read devotions as if God has me wrapped up in His arms and is whispering the words in my ear. I have experienced these things and so many others throughout my journey.

I recently experienced a miracle. My recent PET scan came back with an area of concern which indicated a possible recurrence. My doctors informed me I would need a MRI to determine exactly what was going on. I reached out to everyone I knew and asked for prayers. As I lay in the bore (enclosed MRI tube), I felt complete peace. I felt and envisioned prayers like rain drops falling all over me and covering me. When I received the results of the MRI, each line read “no evidence of recurrence”. I knew this was certainly a miracle. I think the miracle is also that so many people love and care for me, and prayed so fervently. I have known so much love in my life. Loving others and the blessings that come with that is such a gift from God.

God does not always answer our prayers for healing and it’s hard to understand why some people are healed and others are not. The cancer journey is one of fear and uncertainty. But what I have come to know about God is that He always does what is best for us to bring us closer to Him. His love for us is unfathomable. He walks with us through our suffering. So I will continue on this journey and will be grateful for all the God winks and the miracles I have experienced in my life. His presence and peace is with us every moment, we just need to look for it.