cancer

God Winks

Since September of 2023, I have been going through cancer treatment and dealing with all the side effects associated with treatment and having had an extensive digestive surgery. I have also researched so much about cancer and where to go for information on clinical trials. Though out this journey, many times I have felt alone. Unless you have been down this road, you cannot understand this never-ending mental and physical rollercoaster.

However, I know God has always been by my side even if sometimes I don’t feel like He is there. One of the ways I know He is with me are through “God winks”. These are things that happen during the day that cannot be explained or a coincidence. For example, a friend sends me a devotion or text with a verse that is just what I needed to hear. I get in my car to go to an appointment and a song comes on the radio as I start my car and the words are spoken from heaven inspiring strength and courage, and sometimes the struggles we all face. God is there too.

In May, I drove from Atlanta to Nashville to The Sara Cannon Cancer Institute. During my drive, there were 2 separate billboards – one said “God is good all the time” and the other said “God will never leave you or forsake you”. I also noticed numerous crosses along the way. Last week I had a CT scan. The lovely technician told me she was praying for me during the scan. Not to mention so many family and friends constantly lifting me up in prayer. God speaks to us in many ways. It can be in a song, a text, friends, family, church, His word, prayer and even our intuition which I believe is the Holy Spirit. I am never alone and neither are you. We just have to open our hearts to the peace He offers us every second.

This Life

Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September of 2023, people have asked me so many questions about my journey. Many want to know if I am angry, scared or depressed. Others ask why God would allow this to happen. There are also questions about chemotherapy and how I feel physically. These are just a few examples. Some of the questions are easy to answer and some are not. I believe some questions will only be answered when we are in heaven with Jesus. I am blessed to have so many people who care about me. I also think some people are very curious in knowing what it is like to face death and suffering.

A couple years ago I watched a movie called “Father Stu” with Mark Wahlberg. He plays a man with a troubled past but meets a devote Catholic woman. She persuades him to go to church with her. In the end, he gives his life to Christ and becomes a priest; however, during this process he is diagnosed with a life threatening disease. He questions God and is angry but God uses him as a light. I remember something Mark Wahlberg’s character said in the movie when he accepts his situation, and I actually wrote it in my journal, long before my diagnosis. The quote is “The experience of suffering is the fullest expression of God’s love. It is a chance to be closer to Christ.” I have found this to be true in my own life. Please understand there are days that are very tough and it is hard to see anything positive but I always know I have Christ walking beside me and giving me the strength to continue on this journey.

We do not know the plans God has for our lives or our future. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Each morning we open our eyes to begin a new day, we know God has a plan for us. It is not always easy or problem-free but God is always with us.

For me, most days I have come to terms with my situation. My faith, family and friends are what I hold dear. I hope I am here for many years to come but I also know this is not my forever home.

Finding Purpose Through Giving Back

Since September of 2023, my life has consisted of appointments with various doctors sometimes involving travel, medical procedures with and without anesthesia, labs for all different purposes, visits to the hospital/ER, 3 rounds of chemotherapy, radiation and the Whipple surgery which has forever changed my digestive system. I am on all sorts of medication; some I will take for the rest of my life. There are days I feel pretty good and others I need to rest. I often forget what it feels like to be a normal human being. Cancer has forever changed my life. Did I want a cancer diagnosis and put myself and my family through this? Of course not but I have certainly learned so many things during this journey that has positively affected my life.

I have met and seen so many people going through similar cancer journeys whom have not been as fortunate as myself either with their treatment or their outcome. I have also had many people reach out to me to share their own stories and/or hear mine. One way I stay connected to normal life is to give back any way I can. This provides me with a sense of purpose and shifts my focus from my struggles to gratitude. It also blesses me beyond words. Giving back does not have to be grand or time-consuming; even the smallest efforts can make a difference, both in my life and in the lives of others.

Sending a text, email or handwritten note to someone you know in need; making a phone call when you know a friend needs to talk or just provide a listening ear; sharing my story with someone else may help that person feel a connection when going through the same thing or something similar; buying coffee/tea for a stranger or giving a compliment; giving or sharing a book/devotion/song that is an inspiration or blessing in my life; spending an hour helping someone in need or volunteering at a charity close to your heart. Many of these kindnesses have been shown to me and have helped me to keep moving in the right direction. God uses other people to show His love and there is nothing more rewarding.

With Lent right around the corner, my pastor has a wonderful idea; instead of giving up something this year, why not give back something every day of Lent. I know I have so many things around my home that I haven’t used or worn in years which could really help someone else. All these things are very small acts of kindness and some don’t even involve leaving your home. Maybe a smile is all someone needs to change the outcome of their day. You don’t know what someone might be dealing with. What an easy way to take the focus off myself and be blessed in the process.

Reality Check

This week while I was at the infusion center one of my new friends had a very serious medical emergency. Witnessing this during something as personal and emotionally charged as my chemotherapy infusion was a deeply jarring and surreal experience. I already feel I am in a vulnerable state – physically from the infusion and emotionally from the weight of my own illness. The room suddenly shifted from quiet perseverance to one of immediate crisis.

At first I wasn’t sure what was happening. As the nurses were rushing and 911 was being called, I still struggled to process that my new friend’s life was at risk right in front of me. Suddenly this cheery, quiet room was filled with urgency: sharp commands, the crash cart being wheeled from it’s dusty corner and the hurried movement of staff trying to save a life.

This reality hit me like a wave: this isn’t just something I read about or saw on TV. It’s happening here, in this room, to someone who has sat in the same chair as me. Someone who I sat and talked with the day before, someone who has a family, someone I rode in the elevator with 30 minutes before. I think of my own vulnerability, how fragile life is, especially in a place where everyone is already fighting for survival.

I also feel so helpless. I felt like I should do something or, at the least, leave the room but I was tethered to my IV line, facing my own battle. The dichotomy of life and death playing out so vividly in one place was overwhelming.

A few days have passed since this tragic event but the images replay in my mind: the stillness of my friend, the urgent efforts of the team, the uncertainty of what happens next. I feel shaken, it’s all a visceral reminder of mortality. I am also grateful for nurses and doctors who fight so hard for their patients. I am extremely blessed with wonderful doctors and nurses.

In that moment, I witnessed both the fragility of life and the strength of those fighting to preserve it. It was a sobering, life-altering experience. I am thankful I know my Father in heaven, as did my friend. I will see her again one day.

The Numbers Game

My cancer journey started on September 13, 2023. I have had multiple blood tests and scans. Waiting for results is like holding your breath, hoping for air but bracing for a wave. Every scan feels like a coin flip with my future on the line. Yet each test tells a story to the physicians caring for me – should I continue with chemo, what drugs should be used and at what dosage, is the cancer still active or is it gone. Blood counts, tumor markers and PET scan results – they all blur together, yet each one has the power to change everything. Living scan to scan feels like my life is measured in percentages and probabilities, not moments and memories.

It’s not just the results – it’s the days, sometimes weeks, of waiting. Even when the news is good, it feels like a temporary reprieve, like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Despite it all, I’m still here, still fighting, still hoping and trusting God to give me strength, peace and clarity with each new day. I’ve learned to focus on what I can control – cherishing the small victories and finding joy in the moments in between scans and treatments. I realize each day is a gift and spending time with the people you love is what matters. Focusing on others and being a light for someone suffering takes your mind off yourself. I hope I will continue to try to do this everyday I have the opportunity.